Parenting Guilt

The interplay between a child’s needs and a parent’s capacity provides a fertile ground for children to learn independence and grow essential life skills. No parent can fulfill his or her child’s needs all the time. In fact, it might be damaging to your child’s development if you don’t set boundaries within your relationship and look after yourself too. In realizing that you also have your own needs, your child learns how to be emphatic with others and see the world from your perspective.

Parents feel guilty about a lot of things. Most frequently, they feel guilty for not spending enough time with their children or for not being able to provide all their kids’ luxuries. Even the birth of a second or third baby can multiply the guilt that parents feel as they try to juggle what limited time they have among two or three kids, the youngest of whom needs considerably more attention and care than the older ones. Feelings of guilt about these things are in fact counterproductive as they often lead parents to overcompensate their kids. For instance, parents tend to shower their kids with unnecessary gifts in an effort to make up for lost time, but these actions tend to skew the discipline that the kids must also be receiving in equal amount. It is thus imperative for parents to re-evaluate how they cope with this guilt.

How exactly do you get rid of this guilty feeling? The first step is to forgive yourself for past mistakes, ask your children to forgive you too in an age-appropriate way, and accept that instead of a perfect parent, being a ‘good enough parent’ is good enough for your children. Then, make a point of trying to see the world from your child’s perspective and be consistent in spending uninterrupted time with them, even if it is just five minutes a day. Set realistic goals in your relationship with your kids. Habits of togetherness are formed little by little over a long period of time. Little changes like eating your meals together around a table every day or going for a walk in the park every Sunday can make a huge difference.

Make a conscious effort to substitute feelings of guilt about your parenting skills with positive thoughts about your child. Instead of thinking, ‘Oh! I’ve been a lousy parent because…’, think about ‘Wow, I have a great son, he can build the most amazing block towers!’ Your positive attitude will inspire you to spend more time with your child more consistently, resulting in a more rewarding relationship later on.