By: Nina Malanay
Are you the type of mom who follows her preschooler around the playground, making sure she doesn’t get hurt as she navigates the slide? Do you beg off from a dinner get-together with your friends because you need to sit with your school-aged child as he does his homework, constantly telling him what to do and how to do it? Or perhaps you pack child’s school bag every night to make sure he doesn’t forget anything he needs for school? You might unknowingly be a helicopter parent.
It happens to the best of us. Somewhere between trying to be a supportive, positive parent, we end up going beyond responsible, healthy parenting and over-parent our child. Before we know it, we are hovering over our children and trying to control every situation, eliminating every obstacle and every possible source of frustration, all in an attempt to give our children the best chances at success.
What is Helicopter Parenting?
Helicopter parenting refers to a parenting style that over-focuses on children to the point of micromanaging their lives. Helicopter parents are those who “hover” over their children in an effort to protect them from making mistakes, or experiencing disappointment or frustration. They are over-involved, over-protective and over-anxious over their children’s experiences.
Parents are hardwired to give the best possible life they can to their kids. Most parents will try their best to shield their children from hurt, pain and disappointment. However, helicopter parents go to extremes carving out a smooth path for their kids – one without difficulties, failure, or sadness. They’ll do anything to give their kids an advantage and ensure the brightest, happiest future possible for their child. Helicopter parents might think that by being this involved in their child’s life, they are fulfilling their roles as loving, caring, and supportive parents. In reality, however, despite their best intentions, helicopter parenting can have a negative impact on their kids and their development.
Negative Effects of Helicopter Parenting
Most helicopter parents don’t notice when they have crossed the line between healthy, supportive parenting and over-parenting. They believe that they are helping their children, but they are actually doing more harm than good.
For one, if the parent is always there to clean up the child’s mess (and prevent the problem in the first place), children are not given the opportunity to make mistakes and learn from them. Since helicopter parents shield their kids from experiencing adversity or negative consequences, most of these kids have a low tolerance for frustration and have poor coping skills. They grow up falsely believing that life is easy and become overwhelmed when faced with a challenging situation. As such, over-parented children are not able to develop resilience, an important life skill that enables one to bounce back from disappointments and failure.
Helicopter parenting also promotes dependency. Parents who always tie shoes, pack school bags, keep track of school-related tasks and deadlines, and micromanage even the most mundane aspects of their child’s life prevent their children from mastering these skill themselves. Because these kids are so used to having their parents do everything for them and solve every conflict or obstacle that comes their way, over-parented children lack the skills to navigate the world independently – skills such as organization, time management, conflict resolution, and even basic home-making skills such as cooking and doing household chores.
Helicopter parents unconsciously undermine their kids’ abilities and send the message that they are not capable of handling situations on their own. Thus, when faced with a difficult situation, they become anxious, and in the long-term, develop low self-esteem. On the flip side, some kids who are used to having their every need met grow up to believe that they are deserving of special treatment and come to expect it from everyone. As a result, they grow up with an unhealthy sense of entitlement.
How to Stop Hovering
Parenting can be a tough balancing act. We need to keep one eye on the children we are raising now – taking into account their safety, the stressful situations they face, their emotions, and how they navigate life’s experiences – without losing sight on the kind of adults we want them to become – independent, successful, responsible, decent and kind human beings. So how can a parent show love, care and support to their children without hindering their ability to learn important life skills and develop to their fullest potential?
1. Change your mindset.
Helicopter parenting usually stems from parents’ thinking that if their kids are not happy, they are not being a good parent. Change this mindset to one that accepts struggles as an opportunity for growth and learning. Remind yourself that overprotecting children robs them of valuable experiences to gain lessons from the consequences of their actions. Parents need to understand that the sooner kids learn how to deal with loss, hardship, and disappointments, the better equipped they will be to handle life’s difficulties.
2. Calm your anxiety.
Over-parenting is often driven by anxiety and fear. With today’s increasingly competitive world, we worry that our kids might not fare well. We read about the horrible things happening in the world and our imagination gets the better of us and we conjure scenarios in our mind about our children’s welfare and safety. We talk about our worries about our kids with other parents and compare our child with other kids, triggering and fueling our worries even more. When we see other parents become over-involved with their children, we sometimes feel pressured to do the same. Unknowingly, we compete to be as “good” a parent as other parents we know. There seems to be a thinking that if we aren’t as immersed in our children’s lives, there must be something wrong with us as a parent. However, too much worrying and anxiety over our children and their future can cause our behavior to be irrational to the point that our actions suppress their innate potentials to learn and grow.
3. Back off.
When you are a hovering parent, it can be quite scary to back off and let your child take the reins. There is the constant worry that he might not do it right, or that he might not do it as well as you. But it is important that you give your child opportunities to try, learn, and if need be, to make mistakes – it’s all part of the learning process.
Start by teaching your child and allowing your child to do something for himself that you usually do for him. Let him struggle with the task rather than jumping in to help. For example, if you usually feed your 4-year old child, let him try doing it himself on a weekend, when you are not rushing for school. Teach him the proper way to hold his spoon and fork and allow him to feed himself. Or if you are still dressing up your preschooler, let him do it himself. If it’s too difficult not to interfere, leave the room (after making sure he is safe) so you will not be tempted to give him a hand. Set him up for success by cutting up his food into bite-sized portions or choosing clothes with easy-to-manage fastenings. Small accomplishments can do wonders to your child’s self-confidence – and can help reassure you that he will be fine without your help.
4. Give them freedom to explore.
Allow your children to explore freely and be independent in a safe environment. Visit parks or play areas with child-appropriate play equipment and materials. Allow your child to move about freely – stay close by, keep a watchful eye, but allow him to maneuver through the different play equipment on his own. When your child tries something new, try not to show your worry and apprehension – they pick up on these and might acquire the same feelings of anxiety over trying something new. Instead, offer praise and support. Seeing a loving and supportive parent in the sidelines will empower them and promote their self-confidence.
5. Allow them to work their way through problems.
Rather than solving a problem for your child, teach them to think through their problem and find their own solutions. If you see your child being excluded in games with the neighborhood kids, resist the urge to talk to the other kids and mediate. Instead, brainstorm with your child about what he can do so he can successfully join the other kids in their play. If you see your toddler feeling frustrated over the puzzle he is trying to complete, guide him to try a different approach. Helping your child work through a problem will help develop insight, accountability and responsibility.
6. Accept mistakes.
Learn to accept that their initial attempts at independence may not yield perfect results – and that is okay! Kids who grow up being allowed to explore, experiment, and make mistakes take more risks, are less fearful and feel more confident about themselves. Make mistakes a good thing for your child to experience. Avoid reacting negatively when they make mistakes or launch into a long lecture about why they made a mistake and what they should have done instead. Rather, assure your child that mistakes is part of learning something new and that no one expects them to get it right the first time.
7. Don’t do for your kids what they can do for themselves.
Allow your child the opportunity to do tasks that they are physically and mentally capable of doing. This develops responsibility and self-reliance. For example, cleaning your 2-year old’s room is not hovering, but cleaning your 12-year old’s room is. Don’t do your child’s work for them or keep track of deadlines and schedules for them. Even school-aged children in the early grades can be trained how to keep track of school schedules and test dates.
8. Build on their skills.
You cannot be with your kids 24/7. You cannot come to their rescue every time something goes wrong or every time they are faced with a difficult situation. But you can equip them with the skills they need to face the world head on. So instead of driving back to school to bring them the math notebook they forgot to pack in their bag, teach them to keep track of the things they need to bring to and from school on each day of the week.
It’s a tough world out there. And it’s not easy for most parents to send their children out into the world knowing that he may fail, get hurt and struggle. But children must struggle to grow and learn. Saving your child from difficulties now will only ensure that he will face more difficulties later in life. If we truly love our children, we should learn when to hold them back and when to let them go. Only then will they be able to fly.
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Nina Malanay is a mother to two rambunctious, affectionate boys, aged 7 and 4. Her husband-slash-best friend died in a tragic bombing incident in 2013. As she tries to navigate through life with her boys as a solo parent, she hopes to rediscover herself beyond the many hats she wears – mother, teacher, writer, baking enthusiast, student of life – and move boldly into her future.