What exactly does she teach your child?
In most cases, it is not the reading and writing, as both her time and language barriers may prevent this. More likely, the children are learning acceptable social behaviour and interactions between adults.
Measured behaviour
Should this be a scary thought? Most of us measure our words and reactions more carefully in front of children expecting them to learn from these experiences. When we were kids, our aunties, grandparents and relatives let us know when we behaved inappropriately.
But young kids are not discriminating, and will learn from every little bit of stimulation. What reactions will they observe when someone is angered, or things don’t go as planned? Is the situation managed as calmly and efficiently as you hope?
Your maid was brought up in a different family, in different circumstances and with different values. Without instruction, she is more likely to be at a loss over what’s might be deemed acceptable for your child. The child may be getting away with very poor behaviour simply because she thinks this is acceptable to you.
Case in point
Annie (not her real name) has been caring for Samantha (8) and Timothy (6) since they were toddlers. The two children had been told stories about life in another country and of villages and farms.
They developed a good knowledge of the variety of lifestyles in the world and were keen to learn more about diversity of cultures and people. Knowledge they wouldn’t have had if not for Annie.
But being raised as she was, Annie found large crowds of people intimidating. She tended to be more flustered when out with the kids alone. Because of this, Samantha became fearful that they would be lost or hurt upon leaving the house, and she would cling to whoever she was out with. Timothy, seeing that Annie was less in control would act up, pushing boundaries. This made the situation even harder for Annie.
Samantha and Timothy’s mother noticed the children were becoming more and more difficult to handle. After some trying weekends and serious probing, she finally identified the core of the problem.
Finding solutions
It wasn’t hard to remedy. Schedules were adjusted and Annie’s travel routes were changed to avoid more crowded areas where possible. Timothy was instructed on the dangers of getting hurt outside, and Samantha given clear guidelines for seeking safety if something happened.
Awareness for Timothy and confidence for Samantha improved the situation for all of them.
Not all bad behaviour of normal children can be blamed on the maid. There are no mitigating circumstances for bad manners. It is not acceptable to run into people in stores; throw temper tantrums at disappointing circumstances or resorting to physical violence.
But with so many unclear social boundaries, it is harder for a child to decipher when and where certain behaviours are acceptable. The extent of adult social interaction children are likely to see are between the maid, the family, the grocer, bus and taxi drivers, store clerks and hawkers. Are these all intricate social situations? Not often.
Today, children are shuffled from school to an incredible number of different classes from math, language and abacus to music, arts and dance. Not forgetting swimming, tennis and badminton. The pressure is immense and they’ve got to perform. So where will they learn social skills as well?
Work with them
Experience and participation is the best way to teach your child appropriate social skills. Table manners, social etiquette and conversational manners are as important as language and math.
They need to be able to function socially with their intellect, and will not learn this at school. Like math and language, these lessons take time and drilling. There will be moments of frustration and sheer exasperation.
But as in all parenting lessons, the outcome will show many years down the road.
